* ‘Round ’round running ’round * ‘Round ’round running ’round * Heading down a long longroad upon my roller skates * Getting where thesun don’t stop to shine * You can call me Rosco ’cause * The other name I hate * Getting in the middleof all that trouble again * I always stop and smileat all the pretty ladies * And they all like tostop and smile back at me * But you can betyour bottom dollar * I will end up in a mess * Fighting withsomeone who bothered me * ‘Round ’round running ’round * ‘Round ’round running ’round * Sitting in a burger barjust keeping to myself * Eating quarterpounders is my game * You can call me Doug butdon’t annoy me or you’ll be * In the middle ofall that trouble again * When just about to eat.- Hi!- Hi! – Where you headed?- That a way. – Going south?- Uh huh! Can you give me a ride? That’s why I stopped. Be right back. I’ll be waiting. * He started foolingwith his voice * And we all ended in a mess * Fighting withsomeone who bothered us * ‘Round ’round running ’round * ‘Round ’round running ’round. – Where?- Yoohoo! (laughing) * ‘Round ’round running ’round * ‘Round ’round running ’round * ‘Round ’round running ’round. Look! Ah! Son of a bitch. Hey, you got a minute? I gotta talk to you. I’m having a hellof a tough road, everybody’s driving me nuts. The same thing in the kitchen, at the movie house last night. I (mumbles) butevery place I go, everybody is driving me nuts. Yeah, life is tough. Call this justice, huh? Poor guy like memakes one mistake.It was an accident. And I get life. You know what happened, right? I was down by theyard up on the green… I know what happened. Judge probably figuredyou dropping the catapult on your mother inlaw’s head was wrong. So he had to getformal about it. But I thought it was my wife! I said I was sorry afterward. She was toosquashed to hear you. Yeah, I guess you’re right. Did I ever tell youwhy I’m in here? See actually it was a prankand I had a lousy lawyer… [Guard] O’Riordan tothe warden’s office.I think that’s for you. Thanks. Nice talking to you. When you come back I’lltell you why I’m in here. No, this is notCaesar’s Palace. This is state penitentiary,that’s what it is. What? Now look where am I gonnafind two single quiet rooms with a bath? No I don’t give twohoots what the governor of the state has to say, eventhough they are nice guys. Look, the best I can dois a double with no bath. Take it or leave it. That’s what? Well look yes, it’ll bevacant this afternoon and you can haveit for a few days. I’m expecting a coupleof lifers in Saturday. I don’t know where to put them. That’s right.(knocking) Yeah. O’Riordan’s here, sir. Yeah, alright, bring himin, I’ll only be a minute.Hi. Hello, yes, I can’t help you. Look, well do thebest you can will you? Because this isn’t the onlyprison in the state, you know. How are you Doug? Sit down. No thanks. Tough life? Tough? Oh no, not for you. You’re free, as of now. Free sir? There was two weeks… I got some newcomerscoming in, I need the room. I mean you been takingup too much space. Plus the kitchen’sbeen working overtime since you been here.You almost cost thestate more money than the entire space program. That right? You deserve it. Believe me, for puttingup with old Tim. Yeah, poor old Tim. Still insisting he’s innocent. Yeah, well it’s a pitythat his mother in law insists on staying dead. Alright Doug. Now I want you to pack your bags and pass throughadministration, see, and get your assoutta here, okay? Thanks sir. Give ’em this form,and it’ll pass him right through administration. Yes sir. – Doug, been great.- Thank you sir. You’re welcome. I finished mycomic, you want it? It’s Superman. Well, isn’t this nice ofyou, I haven’t read this one. See ya. – Say Doug?- Yes? If another yacht bothersyou while you’re fishing, don’t sink it. Not again, sir.Bastard, I’ll fix you. Just wait and see. (cries out) (mellow country rock music) Gimme another. I’ll be driving and thembugs keep messing my screen. Chili and coffee. (whirring) I’ve taken out someheavies in my time, but husky Joe, hewas something else. Man, he was tough. How did it start? How’d you beat him? He said I couldn’t unloadmy truck ’cause I was late. He said them’s the rules. I said I don’t give a frog’sfanny about rules I said. I’m unloading my truck andnobody’s gonna stop me. I started to get out andHusky, he tells me to split or he take mybackbone in a mincer.And before he finishestalking I spin around, reach up and grab histhroat and drive his nose through his gray matter. (laughing) [Blonde Man] I’dlike to have seen that. And two of his boysarrived, Jack the Bear and Caterpillar Nick. Hey, I know them. Animals man, animals. They were all overme, all over me. I shook ’em off, I reacheddown, I grabbed my knife and I started cutting ’em up. Their old ladies, they’rewearing black now. [Blonde Man] Must’vebeen some fight. Here, choke on it. Hey. Gimme another one. Hey, give usanother beer, now. You can wait ’til Ifinish cooking a hamburger. I said now, garbage mouthcan wait for his hamburger. What did you say? You talking to me? Yeah. What are youcrazy or something? You ever tried driving a truck with your arms in plaster? Hey, forget it. He didn’t mean what he said. Now my buddy here willapologize and that’ll end it. Apologize nothin’! Who asked you anyway, heh? Hey listen butso,want another hamburger you’re gonna need your teethso just sit on your high chair and cool it! – Hey that’s funny.- (laughing) (punching) (shouting) Hey you guys,just keep it quiet.I don’t want no troublein this place or I’m… (punching)(groaning) Now for some laughs. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m gonna be the onlyone laughing around here. (punching) (light country music) Why aren’t you laughing? Funny, eh? [Blonde Man] You’re gonnahit me right in the face, aren’t you?(punches) – Hey!- (shouting) Hey! (punching) (chuckles) Hey, you finishedthem off in no time. You could say. Real thrash, huh? You could say that too. Hey, no way man, food’s on me. Alright, neverrefuse a free meal. Great rigs, aren’t they? Yeah. Where you headed? South.How about a ride? Why not? Tough life spendingall day on wheels. Where you from? Manitoba. You wanna put yourlegs up it’s no problem. Thanks. – Where’s the keys?- Huh? In the ignition. Oh yeah. (truck rumbling) Rosco Frazer. Oh yeah, Doug O’Riordan. Okay Doug, let’s hit the road. Here we go. (honking) Hello, operator. Gimme the fuzz, gimme theflatfeet, gimme the cops. Gimme the police. (easy music) Hey, come this way often? First time, Iusually hit the north. Can’t say I’m crazyabout the view.Don’t worry, upthe road, worse. (sirens wailing) Hey, something’s happened,turn on the radio. [Radio Announcer]Intensive care. X-rays revealed multiplefractures throughout the body. Doctors say the threemen will be hospitalized for at least 90 days. In the words of Dr. Forbesof the orthopedic department, it would be a lot easierto restore chopped liver to its original form. The owner, who was the firstto regain consciousness and call the police, saidthe attackers numbered no more than two. Doctors say the poor man isstill in a state of shock. Sheriff Cooley, the officer incharge of the investigation, is convinced the gangof truck hijackers consists of at least 10 men. He went on to say thehunt for these criminals will go on until they are safely locked behindbars for life. And now it’s back to… What a messed upworld we live in. (sirens wailing) Cops. So, big deal. We’ve got nothingto worry about.(honking) (knocks)Yeah. The door. I’d say you were speeding. Speeding? What are you talkingabout, officer? That leader was good on 50. Get outta here. Let me see yourdriver’s license. Your log book, yourcargo manifest. You know, where you’re comingfrom and where you’re going. You want anything else? Not at the moment. What do you want? The papers. What papers? Log book, cargo manifest,insurance, the papers. Why are you asking me? Why am I asking you? It’s your truck, isn’t it? Mine? Wait a minute. All I did was ask you for a ride and you said, “Why not?” – You said…- (gun cocking) Now you just comeout with your hands up. How you doing officer? Shut up! Get up! Get up and getagainst the truck! Come on, get up there! Spread ’em! (kicks)(groans) Hey, watch it. I just hitched aride with him, officer. By the way, thanksa lot for nothing. Hey, what are you, deaf? I told you to shut up! I’m clean, officer. I’m just a roller bum. Yeah well your rollerbumming days are over buddy for about the next 15 years.[Doug] 15 years, are you… Get your hands up! Get your hands up. 15 years if thejudge likes you. Now turn around andkeep your hands up. They led us a nicelittle chase, eh Jim? We been after youguys for months. Months? Get your hands up! There’s been amisunderstanding, officer. Ho ho ho. Is that what you call it? We call it truckhijacking, aggression, willful damage to privateproperty, criminal association. Alright you guys, freeze! Or I’ll blow youto hell and back. Drop the hardware. And no turning around ifyou know what’s good for ya. Now put your hands up. Higher! You too, trash can! Wanna get us killed? Do what they say! Ah.Wilbur, I really thinkwe should be leaving. You’re quite right, Alice. Okay you cops, in the truck. And you, ape, open the back. The man’s talking toyou, you better do it. Start walking, andkeep facing the truck. Sorry fellas, this ain’t acrime bust, it’s a cop bust. Okay coppers, get in. Shut the door. What do youthink you’re doing? No! No, no don’t shoot! I don’t wanna die! (gun firing) (groaning) Die.My god, they shot him! (upbeat music) (sirens wailing) What are you so worried about? As far as the copsare concerned, we’re just a couple ofmissing dead bodies. You oughta kill that siren or they’re gonna find one ofthose missing dead bodies now. Any idea where to go? You go your way, I go mine. Oh, you’re a loner. Can’t stand the sight ofmy own face in the mirror.Ah, I see what you mean. Where do you wanna go? The furthestfrom you possible. Great. Hell of a place, I’venever been there. I’ll go with ya. [Doug] Sure you will, blueeyes, over my dead body. Hey baby, what’s thefirst plane to Chattanooga? TWA, 504 in 50 minutes. Thanks blondie. Could you tell me the nextplane to Detroit, please? That would be Pan Am,flight 116 at 12:35. Thank you. What’s the firstplane outta here? That would be EasternAirlines to Miami in 10 minutes.But don’t mention it! [Announcer] Thisis the last call for Eastern Flight 405, nowboarding at gate 14 for Miami. Mr. Steinberg and Masonare kindly requested to pick up the ticketsat the Eastern desk and proceed immediatelyto departure gate 14. Mr. Steinberg and Mason,please pick up your tickets at the Eastern deskand proceed to gate 14. Excuse me, I’dlike a ticket to… I’d like a ticketfor Miami, please. I’m sorry sir, but theMiami flight is fully booked. They just called us ifyou could check it please. – Okay, oh yeah, Mr.- Steinberg and Mason? Yes, I’m Steinbergand this is Mr. Mason. Okay, here youare, first class, but you better hurry beforeyou miss your flight. Thanks. Okay, you’re welcome. Come on Perry, let’s go. – Thanks.- Thank you. (banging) Mr. Steinberg and Mason? – Yeah, that’s us.- Yeah. This way please. (light music) Fasten your belt please sir.Fastened. Hey, she means this one. Oh, right. His first flight. Well if you needanything, just call. Did you get it? If you need anything,just press this button and the stewardesswill come running. But if you have to throw up, you use this bag, alright? Come on, that’s a doggie bag. Hey, they closed thedoor, I feel cooped in. That’s what theyusually close, the door. Before takeoff. Oh. Something tells meit’s been a bungle. Yeah, K1 is gonna be real mad. Yeah. (banging) What’s happening? Beats me. Would you follow me please? That’s it, the party’s over. Guess so. Yeah. One minute more andyou woulda missed us. Well it wasn’t my fault. My flight fromWashington was late. Anything else? Oh yeah, I almostforgot, figures. Here’s the key for the attachecase and for the cuffs. Okay. Good luck fellas, good luck. Oh, there is one thing. Can I ask you guys a favor? Please do not put in your report that I was late getting here. Okay, just this once.Okay, thanks alot, appreciate it. Are we gonna open it? Key. I don’t like it. You saw his ID, the manwas a government agent. So what? We didn’t steal thecase, he gave it to us. You’re right, you’re right! Ha! Hey, what do you got in mind? Disappear, enjoy my windfall. All my troublesare over, friend. Uh uh, our troubles are over. Come on, let’s go to thejohn and split our windfall. Sit still. Look, are you comingto the john or aren’t ya! (shushing) Sit down, in Miami. Then it’s everyschmuck for himself. Sir, where’s the toilet? The whole worldis a toilet, man. But I guess the one youwant is right over there. Thanks. You jerks grabbed thewrong Mason and Steinberg. Of course they didn’ttalk, because the real ones are right here in Miami. I can smell an agent a mile off.The airport’s crawlingwith government men waiting to meet them. Okay K1, right away. Yes. [Doug] Oh sure,there are no vacancies. [Man] Get outta here. (knocking) You gonna take long, sir? [Man] Who knows? Can you hurry it up please? [Man] There are some thingsin life that can’t be hurried. Blue eyes. In the corner. In here? 50/50 and everyman for himself. (fireworks exploding) Shots! (shouting) Don’t move, don’t anyone move! That’s it men, getover there, get ’em up! Get those men against the wall. Look under those stalls! Get your hands up andkeep your pants down. Freeze and don’t shit! Hold it right where you are! Don’t fool around, man. (farting) Find ’em, they gottabe here somewhere! Who are they looking for? Dunno. Stay right where you are! Who fired those shots? Nobody fired any shots. Two boys threw somefirecrackers in that wastebasket then they ran out. Firecrackers? Yeah, I saw them do it. Okay, but nobody movesuntil ballistics gets here. Look out chief,behind the door! Okay Kojac, you got us. Just take it easy. How about letting usgo on a three way split? I know you won’t believe this, but we got our hands onthe money by accident.I’ll take that. Yeah, you know how it is. Oh yes, sure. It’s true. (shutter clicking) Alright pleaseback, back, back. Sorry my men had tobe so rough on you. But we had to make it look good. The name’s Scott, Jeremy Scott. Hi Jeremy. – Hi.- Hi. Hi. My compliments. You acted yourparts brilliantly. When I heard those shots, for a second I thoughtyou guys had had it. Mistaking firecrackersfor bullets. Yeah. You know, posing ascheap hoods was pure genius on your part. What else could we do,advertise who we were? No, of course not. Well seeing as we arewho we are, this is mine. Yes, naturally, I mean.Hot, huh? You said it. I’d give an armto be like you guys. Was the training tough? Yeah. The chief can’twait to meet you. I mean he’s really excited. Chief? What’s the chief like? We call him Tiger. He can be as sweetas a pussycat, but if he catches you dippingyour whiskers in his milk, just go kill yourself. That reminds me, whenyou write up your report, if you’d leave outthe firecracker bit, I’d really appreciate it. If you’ll keepyour mouth shut. You heard him. Yeah, I understandall about that, but what about Fidel Castro? Well he just wokeup at noon, sir. What kind ofrevolutionary is he? He sleeps morethan Raquel Welch. He playedbasketball last night, then enjoyed thecompany of a woman until about six o’clock this morning. Well how is his health? The (speaking foreignlanguage) satellite has just sent outthis information. So? Blood pressure 80 up to 130, heart beat 48 atrest, 49 under stress. Muscle tone excellent, sleptwell, regular digestion, defecates like a baby,no sign of diarrhea or any other abnormalities. So the beard’sin good shape, huh? You said it, sir.Shit. (beeping) Just a minute. Hello? Oh good, send them right in. I’ll be right back. Agents Mason andSteinberg, sir. Alright Scott, you can go now. (beeping) They got our manin Havana, sir. Too bad. He was a good agent. Well. Welcome to Miami, boys. Thanks, sir. Yeah. Kiss me, I’m black. (laughs)Good disguise. Well, who would havedreamed that underneath these filthy, stinking rags are hiding two ofour top agents? Two chosen from over10,000 applicants. Well, we were just lucky. Let’s hope it stays that way. You don’t becomepilots, climbers, divers, marksmen, karate experts,parachutists, saboteurs, knife throwers, experts incode, radio transmitting, signals, camouflage,medicine, chemicals just by pure luck! Hmm. And Agent Steinberg isalso a ventriloquist, sir. Really? And Mason’s a greatdishwasher, sir. Eh. – Oh.- (Beeping) They got our manin Alaska, sir. – Too bad.- Pity. You know, it amazes mehow a man of your size can scale verticalwalls and buildings. I just don’t understand that. He’s somethingelse, a real spider. No shit? No shit, sir. (laughing) Alright, shall we go? Yeah. (beeping) Sir look, theygot our man in Rome! Get outta here.We won’t be needingyou today, lieutenant. Agent Mason willpilot the chopper. Yes sir. I think I’ll stayhere while you go up. I’ve got a couple ofthings to check on… Don’t worry, Steinberg. Anything you have todo today can wait. (laughs) Are you crazy or something? Hey you’re not a pilot! Ah shut up, fora million bucks I’ll fly the space shuttle.Alright Mason, let’s go. (whirring) Oh god help! (upbeat music) Pressure okay? The carburetor? Eh. Alright Mason, headtoward Miami Beach. Right. Switch off the radio Mason, we’ve got some longears around here. Hear that? Many long ears around here. Sure. See that down there? That’s Miami Beach. All the tourists makes it easy for those bastards to mingle with all the honestmillionaires on vacation. Their plan ismindboggling, boys. You have got to stop them. You can count on us. Yeah, oh yeah, takea look down there. That’s the besthotel on the beach. There’s a $2500 a daysuite booked in your name. You have the plansfor the building. I imagine that you’vealready studied. We know that hotelinside out, sir. Course you do. As you know, you’ll bedisguised as rich Texans out for a good time. We’ll manage, sir. Yeah. Ah, look, see that mandown there on the side with the ice cream cart? He’s one of our agents. Got a brain like a computer, never misses a thing.You might not believethis but he was my idea. Was, eh? Alright, let’s getthis show on the road. Okay. [Tiger] AlrightMason, you’re first. Front. (camera clicking) Left profile. Back. Arms out. Right profile. Alright you’re finished. Okay Steinberg. Front. Left. Back. Arms out. Right profile. You’re finished. (chuckling) Hiya Sam. [Sam] Hi! Oh, these are the ones. Hi Sam. Hi. Now, in additionto your usual talents I’ve asked Sam to prepare alittle something extra for you. Go ahead, Sam. These little babies containwhat we call Eros Plus, a love inducing drug. You know as well asI how important it is in your profession to be ongood terms with the ladies. Short burst on the clothes and no woman will beable to resist you.Thus turning herself intoa mine of information. And it works? (laughing) Hey wait a minute,I don’t need that. Try him. (spraying) Just a minute. Molly? [Molly] Yes sir? [Tiger] Wouldyou come in please? Yes sir. Sam. Now this Molly that’s coming in. She’s been with us for 15 years. She’s like a rock. She doesn’t even knowwhat the word sex means! She’s like a rock. (laughing) (knocking) Come in. Molly, I would like a list of all the personnel inthe operative section. I would like a listof their duties, the color of their eyes,the size of their clothes, whether they’re right handed,left handed, their shoe size. (laughing) Molly, Molly! Hi. Hi. You can go now, Molly. Shut up. Oh, for god’s sakeMason, you tell her. You can go now. Yes. Thank you. Nice meeting you. – Bye.- Bye. Bye bye. Well, what do you think, boys? Sam, you’re a real genius. (laughing) Oh, show ’em thenext thing, Sam.Now that’s incredible. Tear it longitudinallyand it’s just like any other roll of toilet paper. And in case of emergenciesit can even be employed in this more traditional use. But. – But?- But? (laughs) Used longitudinally, itbecomes highly resistant. Could pull a truck, supportthe weight of a cable car. No more climbingout of a window. Do you eat alot of brain food? That’s not all! – No?- No! (laughing) Well, here we are.What do you think of that? Isn’t she a sight for sore eyes? Come on, take alook at this, look. What about that? Six horns, gold, beautiful,beautiful, beautiful! Let me show you. (gun firing) Even the paint, even thepaint is bulletproof! (laughing) Good work, Sam. In addition toits usual functions, we’ve added aself-destruct mechanism. Just push that redbutton there and you have only five seconds to get away. No ejection seat? What’s the top speed? Just under 200 miles an hour. That’s all we need,picked up for speeding. Well, you’vedone it again Sam. Everything perfect downto the last minute detail. What about the registration? What? The registration’s expired. Expired? Yeah, look at it. Terrific. And you expect us to drive it? And what if a cop stopsus, what do we say? We’re the CIA? And what about gas? Did you fill her up or dowe have to get out and push? Sam? I’m sorry, mistakeby one of the boys. Not my boys, not my boys! You fix it! – Sir, sir?- Yes? Fix it.Your clothes are ready,and here are the documents. Boys, look boys. When you write out your report, if you could justsort of overlook the expired registrationI’d really appreciate it. Well if you keepyour mouth shut. – Okay.- You’ve got it. That’ll be all, Sam. Alright, your clothes are ready. Here are your cards. Unlimited credit cards. You have an AmericanExpress card, Diner’s Club, Carte Blanche,Master Charge, Visa.You belong to the yachtclub, golf club, tennis club, country club, sexclub, Playboy club. Your license tohunt, fish, and kill. Well I guess we’vegot everything. Oh no, there’sone other thing. This one will makeyour jaws drop. (buzzing) Alright, now boys a miracleof modern technology. You ready gentlemen? Go. We’re putting into yourteeth a micro capsule. With the aid of this capsuleand the Boyer satellite we will be able topinpoint your positions anywhere on theface of this planet, down to about three feet. No shit. No shit! Isn’t that fantastic? Yeah, are you sureit won’t fall out like you know if somebody hits me? (laughing) Out of the question. They are wedged to your teeth and anchored to your jawbone. And that’s not all,if we try to remove it without first deactivating it, this whole building wouldbe just another address.- Boom, boom!- (laughing) Yeah, great. (honking)(cow mooing) (upbeat music) Do you realizehow lucky you are? You met me, your lifetook on a new meaning. Will you listen to this guy? There I was, sitting andeating a couple of burgers and I met a blue-eyed mug. Now I got a miniatomic bomb in my mouth and a satellite who’s raringto tell the whole world when and where I go to the john, and you call that lucky? The satellite bugging you? Oh this fucking thing. And then of course there’s avideo game, Tiger’s office. The what? The world map on the wall. You saw the cute littlelight that flashes, tells Tiger who’sfinished his chips. You don’t get any more. We’ve lost a couple of ourboys in Miami Beach, chief. Pity. Yeah. Really good, especiallythe big one, me. What are youcomplaining about? There is a million bucks inthat case plus credit cards.What’s a few hasslescompared to that? Hassles he says. We’re on the firing line,don’t you understand? You’re a realdowner, aren’t you? Maybe they won’t killus, just maim us bad. Hey, that’s better. Anyway, if you wanna split,I’ll take the money and run. Forget it. For a million dollars, I’ll… Half a million. Half a million. For a half a million dollars I’d considerwrestling a gorilla. Now you’re talking. Let’s just think of allthe fun we’re gonna have. Hey, want some music? Sure. (spraying) (skidding) (crashing) Ice cream one to igloo,ice cream one to igloo, do you read me? [Tiger] Yes I do, go ahead. They’ve just arrived,they’re fantastic. (cow mooing) Welcome to MiamiBeach, gentlemen. What’s so funny? Take the horse to the stable and give her a good rub down. Yes sir. What about the cow? Her name’s Calamity Jane. Find her a field,milk her twice a day, keep her away from the bulls,otherwise it’ll be your butt.Got it? Yes sir, I think I have. Take it away. (light music) This way gentlemen. (hits) Easy son, I’ve shotmen for less than that. This watering hole’s not bad. Nice heifers around here. Ain’t much grass though. Yep, this is my kind of place. (ringing bell) I’ll be with youin just a moment sir. What’s everybody aroundhere so happy about? No trouble at all, we’ll bedelighted to see you again.Oh no, we’ll be happy to… Now then, may I help you? We have a reservation foryour 2500 buck penthouse. Just a moment please. Oh yes, yes, that’s mister… Yep, that’s us. – Yes.- (rings bell) Leonard. Yes sir? Leonard, will youaccompany these gentlemen to the royal suite? – Oh yes sir!- (hits) I’ll carry the saddle. Would you follow me? This is state, move out. Push, Leonard! Yes sir, sir, they’re here. They’re dressed astwo rich Texans. Very elegant, sir. Yes sir. This is thebathroom, gentlemen. Now that’s a great toilet. Strange outhouse. Rich people do it together,didn’t you know that? No. Hey, get that toiletpaper out of there. – The toilet paper, sir?- Yeah. We travel with ourown toilet paper. If that’s what you want. That’s what we want. If there’s nothing elsesir, I’ll be leaving? Good thinking, Lenny. Thank you, sir. My pleasure, son. Hey, it’s all ours. I wonder if theypacked our socks. Funny. (phone ringing) – Hey, I’ll get it.- You get it.What do you want? Oh, hi chief. It’s Tiger. Yeah, sure. No, no trouble at all. Yeah, I’m sure. Great piece of work. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. As soon as we make contactwe move into action, right. Don’t worry, we’regonna hit ’em hard. Yeah, okay, okay. Thanks chief. [K1] They’ve gotta be hit. (light music) (yodeling) [Girls] Jump, jump! Hi, how’s the water? [Girls] Come on in! Don’t go away. Excuse me, miss? What can I do for you? What can you do for me? A whole lot. How about a Venus Milk? Sounds like youcan’t beat that. Maybe you can withthe bite of a tiger. Uh, yeah, well just giveme a Shirley Temple for now. With a cherry? Sure, and maybe we couldexchange bites tonight. Oh, I have a hardtime convincing my folks to let me out nights. Gee, that’s too bad’cause I’m not allowed to nibble on duty. You a police officer? Sort of, I’m a secret agent,if you can keep a secret.Oh sure. You on vacation? Vacation? Does James Bond evertake a vacation? Neither do I. I hope you like it. Mm, good. [Man] Hey miss, could we have somedrinks over here please? I’ll be all yoursin just a second sir. I won’t be long. Eat the cherry, it’s a blast. A blast, yeah. (explodes) Hey! That could have hurt! (clamoring) (exciting music) [Woman] Go! Police, hey! What do you want? Your jet ski, thanks. (gun firing) (knocking) Yeah? [Porter] Your hamburgers, sir. It’s open. All this for a halfa dozen burgers, huh? Our hamburgers arevery special, sir. Good, start serving. Here we have fresh onions. (shouting) And here is the lettuce. (shouting) Here we have the tomato. (shouting) And I sir am the bun. (shouting) So what am I,the chopped beef? Exactly, sir. (shouting) (shouting) They’re coming in the window! (clattering) (muttering) The stairs! Oh, take yourtime, move, move. I ask you for half an onion. You smart you, outyou go, sacre bleu. Who’s the boss around here? C’est moi monsieur,I am the chef.(laughing) (hits) What do I to dowith this joint to get half a dozen hamburgers? Hamburger? (shouting) I’ll take care of him. Come on, forget the wholething, let’s be friends. Why not? (shouting) Hello hello,security, yeah, yeah. Get the police in right away. What do you meanthey’re out to lunch? Ow! Oh, hey, let me see that. (hits)(groans) (crashes) (shouting) Okay, okay, I get it now. Hey, watch out, youcoulda choked yourself. (hits)(cries out) Did they comeback from lunch yet? Well send them down,they’re killing each other.(shouting) (punching) (sirens wailing) Let’s go, let’s go! (laughs) Thanksgiving, aha! (“Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony”) – Listen, you know that…- Shh. What the hell do you want? While you werepolishing off that eagle, I was fighting offa Shirley Temple. What you got againstShirley Temple? Nothing, but the cherrywent off like an atomic bomb. The cherry? [Rosco] Right. And Shirley? The girl, she tookoff on a parachute, but I chased her on ascooter and sank her and then I picked her up. (laughs) You’re such a nice guy.After all that I guessyou got an explanation. You bet. I asked her for the nameof the cherry dealer. That’s real CIA. She said shedidn’t know anything. Did you torture her? Yeah but I got herto talk in the end. She said a couple of Chinesepromised her 10 C notes if she messed up all our guts. And 10 slugs if she failed. – Chinese again.- Again? What do you mean? While you werecracking your cherry, four Chinese gentlemenwanted to chop me up into chopped beef.I wonder where they come from. The Seaquarium. The Seaquarium? Yeah, it’s gotta be the place. That’s where the girl wassupposed to pick up her money. [Doug] So what elsedid you find out? Well, she started to cry. Oh, tears eh? Well guess who hadto comfort her? Well you know how it is. (laughs) Listen, if we don’t findout fast who wants us dead, that’s what we’llend up being, dead. [K1] Those two bastards aremore dangerous than I thought. They’ve gotta be hit and fast. Hot Dog calling Cobra,Hot Dog calling Cobra. This is Cobra, this is Cobra. Follow them andexterminate before they reach the Seaquarium. Hey let’s go, they’re coming. (suspenseful music) Remember, ourorders are to kill. Okay. As soon as they turnoff, we blast ’em. Okay. Get ready. Okay. Hey, car following us. Relax, there’s alwaysa car following you.Look, we’re following them. Besides our ice creamman would have warned us if something was fishy. He’s a real agent, not like you. Hey, where’s the money? Relax, it’s in a safe place. Where? Here. How about some music? (spraying) (skidding) Holy shit! I wish we couldafford a car like that. Yeah, me too. Now what? Don’t sweat it. It’s gonna be a piece of cake. Let’s keep our eyes open. These guys aren’tplaying for nickels. We’ve got the upper hand. They don’t know we’re here. [Announcer] Yourattention please. Mr. Mason and Mr. Steinberg to the informationoffice please. You are wanted on the telephone. Mr. Mason and Mr. Steinberg to the informationoffice please. Who could that be? Our peeping tom in the sky.Oh yeah, you’re right. Okay, I’ll go seewhat the old man wants. You hold the fort out here. Okay. Don’t get in the habitof giving orders. [Child] Mommy, I want a soda. Alright dear, nowwe’ll go get a drink. Popcorn, medium. Hey mister, I’m lookingfor a Chinese guy. Yeah well he might beright down in the bottom. Smart ass. (laughing) You see Mason, themost successful tricks are the easiest ones,it’s that simple. Where’s Steinberg? Yeah, I was just about toask you the same question.Talk, Mason, or we’ll ripyour teeth out one by one. (chuckling) Except for one,’cause it’s a bomb. Playing for time willget you nowhere, Mr. Mason. Now listen, Wonder Woman,you’ve got the wrong man. I don’t know who youare or what you want. Don’t mess with us, Mason. We know everything about you. We’ve kept our eyes on you ever since you boardedthe plane for Miami. Oh, surprised, huh? (chuckling) For the last time,Mason, where’s Steinberg? (knocking) Is this theinformation office? Yes it is, how can I help you? Well I’m lookingfor my friend.He came to answer the phone. Mr. Mason? Yeah, that’s him. Yes, he’s here, come on in. Are you sure it’s no trouble? Sure I’m sure. Can you make it though? You bet I can. How nice of you todrop in, sit down. How do you like that? I’ve been waitingfor you outside. I bet he’s been drivingyou nuts with all his talk.Once he starts, forget it. Yes, such a happy fellow. (snapping) What? (laughing) This is some kindof a joke, huh? Oh it’s no joke, putyour hands up, please. You did well toavoid our hit men, but now it’s all over for you. K1 is gonna be proud of us, there’s no stopping him now. Charlie Chan, tell thedriver we can leave, would ya? Move out. (crashing) What’s happening? (shouting) (punching) Well, are youcoming or staying? – Watch your back.- Come on. Ow! Wonder Woman’llget you for that. After them! [Dottor] No, not withyour guns, you fools! Uh oh, who are they? (exciting music) Trouble. (shouting) (punching) (shouting) (punching) Doug, Doug, Doug,you got visitors! Oh I love company. (punching) (shouting) (shouting) (seal barking) (shouting)(punching) [All] Come on, come on. You come up, I’m tired. (splashing) Urgent, all police reportto the killer whale stadium. (splashing)(shouting) Calling all police,calling all police to the killer whale stadium. – What a way to go!- (laughing) Calling all police,calling all police to the killer whale stadium.(sirens wailing) Bills, bills, more bills. What do you expectto find, K1’s address? Hey, crime doesn’t pay,but it sure feeds you. – Great gun.- Listen to this. 300 hot dogs, 300hamburgers, 600 sandwiches, 15 pounds of onions, five ofketchup and five of mustard. No pickles? (phone ringing) Hello? This is Hot Dog. Hold on. It’s Hot Dog. Go ahead. Did you get ’em? Of course we got them. [Hot Dog] In that caseI’m asking for permission to leave my position. Why do you ask? The ice cream man’sgetting excited, he keeps transmitting. Oh, well juststay where you are, I’ll tell you when to leave. [Hot Dog] Thanks a lot. You’re welcome. Would you like a hot dog sir? Smashing. (whistling) Get me a hamburger, please. Yes sir, coming up. Hey, what about my hamburger? Oh it’s ready intwo seconds, sir.Hey, thanks. How do you like it? Raw. That’s our specialty, sir. Wait a minute, I know nothing! (crying out) Onions? I love onions. [Doug] You like tomatoes, sir? Yeah, why not? Salad? [Rosco] Just a touch. Little salad. Mustard? A lot of mustard. Lot of mustard. Ketchup I take it? [Rosco] A lot of ketchup. A lot of ketchup. You like pepper, sir? How’d you guess? Oh, lots of pepper. (laughing) Pepper. One hamburger, raw. Alright. Hey, this hamburger stinks. Stinks sir? That’s impossible. The meat’s our freshest,it’s still alive! – Oh yeah?- Yeah. Then you eat it. (sniffs) No, don’t! What’s wrong? I’m just the lookout, Ionly transmit the orders. Yeah, K1’s orders. Yeah, that’s right. And who told them we weregoing to the Seaquarium? The Buddha. Buddha. Another agent. We’ll make him talk as well. Yeah, when we find him.In your hotel suite. And? There’s a TV camerain the statuette. And? And the desk clerk, thedesk clerk put it there. And? He’s in contact with K1. – Got everything straight?- Yeah. – Any problems?- Nah. Only one. What? That it won’t work. Just think aboutthe million bucks. It’ll work. (groaning) I’d like to go standin Niagara Falls. [Rosco] I know what you mean. To hell with them all,especially that nosy K1. (dog whimpering) Hey, where’d you put the booze? Half hour in the shower. Oh, I didn’t see it. (shower running) (clattering) Hey, you want a drink? [Doug] First a shower, then I’m gonna downthat whole bottle and probably followit up with another. Huh. I was thinking aboutthat guy at the desk. [Doug] I can’t hearyou, what’d you say? The guy at the desk! Can you believe it? [Doug] We’ll make himtalk, just you wait and see.Right, and he’slead us straight to that nut’s bunkhouse. (chuckling) [Desk Clerk] May I help you? [K1] Get lost, and fast. Got a problem? Yeah, oh no, I must haveleft my steering wheel in the office. Yeah, happens sometimes. I can’t imaginewhere my mind is, well, if you’ll excuse me. No. – No?- No. [Rosco] Has he talked yet? No, he’s a real tough nut. Needs persuading, huh? In your report, say hewas cut up by a train as he tried to escape. Real messy. No, please, wait! You gonna talk? Well how can I talk ifyou don’t ask me anything? Who’s K1, where is he? – Oh, you mean…- Yeah. Oh I have no idea, I can’t… We already knowthat, and then? Look, I don’t know whoor where he is, I swear it. He calls me! You’ll have to dobetter than that. – Mr. Spider, Mr.- Spider and his lady, they know where he is! I think he meansshifty in the van.- Oh, Wonder Woman.- And? They’re the closest to him! Mr. Spider is hischief of security. And? And the BuffaloBill shooting club, they go there everymorning to practice! And? In a big blue Olds,it’s a 1982, 1980, blue! And? Its license plate is ZSG255. (gun firing) Not bad. Yes, I usually aimbetween the eyes. (chuckles) Honest Mr. Spider,I didn’t say a word! Idiot, let’s go. Go! (exciting music) Got them. Anyone following us? I don’t think so. There they are, it’sthem, hit the gas. Go that way. To the hidden ranch. Come on Doug, let’s getthis show on the road. (guns firing) (exploding) (laughing) Well that’s the end of that. This is Spider speaking, sir. I’m delighted tosay I just witnessed those two burn in thatmonstrosity of a car. [K1] Congratulations. Thank you sir. [K1] Come on in. Yes, we’ll come right over.Let’s go. Steinberg, sir. Oh, Steinberg. (laughing) Steinberg? Steinberg, where are you? We’ve been lookingeverywhere for you! What do you mean where am I? You know where I am, sir. Listen, we found out a wayto break into the gang. I gotta know where Mason is. Well that’s impossible. The satellite is out! What? [Tiger] It exploded,we don’t even know how. Oh great. Steinberg, Stein! So, they’re at the hotel, eh? They must have left whenI went to get the pistachio. The pistachio? I ran out, sir. Oh. – Hi officers.- Hi. Can we help you, man? Yeah, I needone of your bikes. That one or would yourather have that one? It doesn’t matter,either one, I’m in a hurry. Oh hey hey hey, wait aminute, I need a receipt first. Oh. You need anything else sir? Yeah, a blue Olds, licenseplate Florida ZSG255. Been looking for it for a while. Well we haven’t seen itbut I’ll put out an APB. Hey, there it is! Hey, he found it. He sure knows his job. – That’s really some eye.- Shit.Hi. Hi. Why didn’t you take your time? I was enjoying it in here. Luck ran out at last, huh? He’s my partner, Doug! Hey Doug! Hi. Oh, I did that. I thought I’d make it look,you know, more realistic. Good thinking. Well, where are our friends? This is weird, theparking lot’s packed but where are the people? (dings) This is gettingcrazier by the minute. Well when you gottago, you gotta go. That’s quite a thought. (dings) I bet it’s thebest john in town. Well maybe. Let’s hope they do itthis time, I really mean it. Yes, I’m sureeverything will work out. I don’t think I couldbear another wait.I’ve been looking forwardto this for so long. Oh there’s no need for youtwo to sit down, it’s alright. Well if you’ll excuse us. [Man] Yes, I’m afraidit’s our moment of truth. [Woman] I like ithere by the window. [Man] Goodbye dear. Oh honey, please be careful. – Oh isn’t it exciting?- Darling? We wish we could be withyou in your moment of truth. Yes. [Man] I know you do dearbut you’ll have to be patient. [Woman] When willwe see you again? We’ll be finishedby noon tomorrow. Oh I wish I could bethere to hold your hand. – Good luck!- Good luck! – Thank you.- Good luck! – Keep in touch with us!- We will.- Good luck, goodbye.- Goodbye. Bye. Oh I do hope they doit this time, I hope so. They’ve been waiting so long. [Woman] They deservesuccess, I mean the way they dedicate their lives to it. [Woman] Yes, lessermen would have given up. [Woman] Oh I know! Oh yes, they areextraordinary men. [Woman] They havea mission in life. [Woman] Yes,truly such courage. [Woman] Oh I hope they do. (water dripping) Pretty hard to believe. You said it. They didn’t justvanish into thin air. Hey. Ah, check the cubicles. Nothing here. Eh, nothing there. I don’t know. Maybe they went in the ladies. Hey. What? It’s locked! Hey, the wall! (mechanical whooshing) I wish I knew where we were. We’re in a moving john. Let’s go. (door creaking) Magic fingers, you first. What are you stopping for? Some elevator. How do you like that? A ship. This is the end ofthe line, gentlemen. I do hope you weren’tinconvenienced inany way coming here. Ha, not at all. This way please. – Ah, Mr. Mason and Mr.- Steinberg, I suppose. You suppose right.Welcome aboard TheFuture, gentlemen. Nice boat, huh? Please gentlemen, sit down, make yourselves athome here, please. It’s not bad this little tub. It’s only a toy, really. By the way, whatdoes K1 stand for? Nothing, absolutely nothing. K1, I love the soundof it, it suits me. It’s kind of mysterious,don’t you think? Oh sure. My compliments, gentlemen. You not onlyfrustrated my attempts to assassinate you, butyou invaded the very heart of my organization. I had no idea that theCentral Intelligence Agency had men of your caliber. Well, if it’ll make youfeel better we didn’t either. Eh, come on over here. Alright, get lost. Gentlemen, I’ve decided tooffer you an alternative. As a matter of fact two choices. That’s real generous. The first one, you die. Can’t wait tohear the second one. [K1] The secondchoice, you work for me.Huh. Well not to be difficultbut before I go over to the opposition, I wouldlike, I mean we would like to know a littleabout your plans. In the not too distantfuture, gentlemen, I, K1, shall rule the world. Don’t you think that maybeyou should work up to it? No, not at all, no. You got an ambitiousproject there. As you know gentlemen,the space shuttle will be taking off from theCape in just a matter of a few hours.Well, so far we’re with you. Then? 10 seconds after launchinga missile will be fired from one of my atomic submarines stationed off thecoast of Florida. It will intercept theshuttle precisely seven miles above the Cape. The explosion will becarried live via television all over the world! (laughing) The missile will becarrying a deadly warhead, the K bomb. It will intercept theshuttle, explode on contact spreading a deadlycloud of radiation all over the entire planet. The K bomb is the mostformidable deadly weapon ever conceived bythe human brain.It will conserveboth men and things but the mind will bewiped clean of the number. Number, what number? All of them. Each and every one of them. All of them? Yes, all of them. The idea of numberswill disappear. Without them the worldwill come to a halt! Calculators will vomit outindecipherable gibberish. Measurements will loseall their meaning. There will be chaos. Do you think this is a dream? Maybe it is foryou, but not for me. Then there’s no way out. Either we go alongwith the guy or we die. Imagine a worldwithout numbers. Baseball games without scores. I can’t. What about the telephone? How do you make acall without a number? Means you can’t callout for Chinese! Right, or order two Big Macs. Two, why not 10, 100? Or, uh, enjoy the million. What millionyou talking about? What do you mean what million? Our million. Our million is our million. A million dollars isalways a million dollars.(chuckles) Or isn’t it? Puff. Puff. Feed him, take him for a walk. Observe gentlemen, thespace shuttle at Canaveral. My atomic submarine. The Future Two. Operations Houston. Oh how I’d love tosee their faces. And now the marvelof all marvels. Your finger, sir? Ah! When they finish thecountdown on the shuttle my submarine willstart its countdown. 10 seconds, and afterthose fateful 10 seconds I will push this button. A sublime gesture thatwill place me, K1, amongst the gods. Well gentlemen, are you withme or are you against me? Well.For the time beingwe’re still with us but there’s a good chancewe’ll swing with you. Let me warn you, youdon’t have much time. A little bit more than a minute. (laughing) Sit next to me. – Hey thanks.- Yeah. Hey, don’t touch that button. No no, I won’t sir. We’ve made contactwith Future Two sir. Fantastic. Houston’scontinuing countdown. 30 seconds to launch now. [Announcer] 19, 18, 17. 17. [Announcer] 16,15, 14, 13, 12, 11. [Man] This is Future Two, sir. 30 seconds tolaunch our missile. [Announcer] 10, nine,eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two,one, we have ignition. (whooshing) Last shuttle launch. Our missile’s already inthe free burn stage, sir. [K1] Perfect. 10 seconds until the launchof my missile, gentlemen.(laughing) (piano music) [Announcer] Nine, eight,seven, five, six, six, five. What? Five or six? I hear seven. Me two, me two I hear two! Wait a minute! Three or four I gotta know! He said four! Four, are you sure? What’s going on here? Hey press thebutton, this button! I can’t, oh yeah! (zooming) (laughing) Hey sir, almost, you missedit by one or two inches. Don’t take it too hard sir. Everybody makesmistakes, I mean, everybody makes mistakes. I mean, I’m all choked up. You’re a ventriloquist. You’re a goddamn ventriloquist! Me? – Sir.- Yes. (mumbling) You said one when itshould have been two! That’s what he is, he’s… – Sir may I be excused?- Shame on you. May I be excused sir? Yes, you maybe, wait a minute.Get ’em! Go, grab ’em, grab ’em! (honking) (upbeat music) (punching) Whoa! No, ladies first. No, after you. I’ll see you later. Turn around. You’re a lady, Idon’t hit ladies. (punching) You hear me? I don’t hit ladies. Hey Doug, don’t just standthere, buy her some flowers. She wants you to kiss her. You’re next, buddy. Thanks a lot. (punching)(groaning) – Get up.- Some hook.Now what? – I’ll tell you what!- (kicks) (groaning)Hey Doug, I’m gonna split. Hey! That’s for beatingup blue eyes. Get that bastard! (exciting music) Get him, get him, you too! Oh, me too? (hits)(shouts) (muffled talking) (punching) Let go, it’s me! Can’t you see it’s me? (chuckles) I come with a mop. – A mop?- Come on, let’s go. – Okay.- Yeah. Hey Spider, get over here! – Yes sir.- You lost ’em! Where the hell? Get out there! Make believe you’re hitting me and I’ll yell for help. (chuckling) (hits)(cries out) Make believe! (punching) Help, help! Get him, get him! Get that punk, he’s in there,in there, in there, get him.Come on, get outta here. Your mop. Did you find ’em? Well come on, theyjust didn’t disappear. Why can’t you find ’em? Get down there! I gotta find ’em,get down there! Where are they? We can’t find them. How dare you! (punching and kicking) You bastard! [K1] What thehell is going on? They touched my ass! Who cares? I don’t give a damn aboutyour butt, god help me. What are you doing? Spider! Cut it out you guys. Come back here! Take that! (crying out) You too. Watch you son of abitch, I’m coming down. That’s a lot of lady. Packs a mean right. Yeah. (mumbling) By the way, how about alast trip to the john? That’s a terrific idea.Come on, get outta here! (shouting) Shut the door! (sirens wailing) Let’s get back to the hotel,pick up the money and blow. Fantastic boys, fantastic! I’m really proud of you. Even I didn’t thinkyou could pull it off after the Boyersatellite blew up. Peeping tom went pop? Like a paper bag. I’ll tell you the truth. When Steinberg called me andasked me for your position using the satellite, Iwas very embarrassed. Well, that’s allwater under the bridge, let’s just forget it. Nuh uh, I’m notforgetting anything. And you’re right,you’re right Mason.Steinberg did a wonderfuljob when he found you. – Steinberg?- Yep. I had to. I couldn’t have doneit without my partner. [Tiger] Of course! Okay, let’s just packup our things and… You don’t have to worry. That’s all been taken care of. Credit cards, papers,the million dollars, all been sent back towhere it came from. Oh, it’s been taken care of? Absolutely! Great, great. I knew it. What about these bombs? No, we don’t havetime for anything. You’re going tomeet the president. The president? What president? The president ofthe United States! He has invited youto spend the weekend at Camp David with him. No kidding? No kidding! There’s just one small thing. Uh, uh. I would consider it apersonal favor if you didn’t mentionthe ice cream man. * And they all like to stopand smile and make a fuss * But you can betyour bottom dollar * We will end up in a mess. Well, if you keepyour mouth shut.* ‘Round ’round running ’round * ‘Round ’round running ’round.
